Breakup, Lost Love, or Grief Pushing You Into Despair? It’s Not Your Fault, But a Chemical Thing!

Back to All Articles
Breakup, Lost Love, or Grief Pushing You Into Despair It’s Not Your Fault, But a Chemical Thing!

Breakup, Lost Love, or Grief Pushing You Into Despair? It’s Not Your Fault, But a Chemical Thing!

Have you felt a deep ache or a sea of overwhelming emotions threatening to drown you when you lose a loved one or experience a breakup? Why does ending that relationship or going through waves of grief feel so colossal? So many people around the world that I meet – both young and old – experience this at some point. And they ask, “Luke, does the pain end? How do I move past it?”

Why do you get hurt, sad, or slip into despair when love is lost or you face relationship issues? It is not your fault. It is a chemical thing! Understand this, and it will change your life.

Breakup, Lost Love, or Grief Pushing You Into Despair It’s Not Your Fault, But a Chemical Thing!
Heartbreak or breakups can be tough. Photo Credit: Freepik

Before I dive into this, I want to thank noted American Developmental Biologist, Goi Peace Award Recipient and Best-selling Author Dr. Bruce Lipton because most of what you read now are my takeaways from his work.

The honeymoon period

When you are in love, your neurotransmitters or chemical messengers – dopamine and oxytocin levels are at their highest. Especially when this love is new. There are chemical reactions to the excitement, physical touch, and you in that environment.

As you move along in your relationship, you need new actions and behaviors to keep that dopamine and oxytocin high. A mature relationship will evolve as each partner gets comfortable with the other and keeps the relationship alive with dopamine and oxytocin triggers like physical touch, lovemaking, hugs, kisses, movies, dinners, hikes, exercise, travel, doing new things, pursuing hobbies and passions. They call it the honeymoon period.

Because no matter how deeply in love you are, you will get overstimulated with the same source of dopamine and oxytocin at some point. This is not about you. It is a chemical thing. When overstimulation happens, immaturity triggers you to believe that your love is fading and your relationship is headed for the rocks.

Overstimulation is real

Yes, it is. Need some examples of this? Scrolling on social media, jumping levels in video games, buying more and more material things, one drink becoming two or more until you have downed the whole bottle, or when a joint becomes a gateway drug to the heavier synthetic chemicals. You keep doing this because the stimulation of the original source fades at some point and you need the next level of excitement. The honeymoon period may be over but as partners continue to build new sources of excitement and wonder, and keep the physical intimacy strong – the relationship matures.

What happens when you go through a breakup, experience lost love, betrayal, or the death of a loved one?

Why does it hurt so much? Feelings of hurt, fear, rejection, and loneliness are common. But what creates this dismal environment around all the emotions? Here’s what you need to know.

When the love was deep and strong, your brain built and recognized a solid circuit of dopamine and oxytocin linked with everything that came with that love. The person, the words, the behaviors, the gestures, the physical touch, and more. Your brain built neural circuits around all of these and impressed them deeply into your subconscious mind. Now the love is missing.

The stimulation – the source of that dopamine and oxytocin is no more. The brain is craving these chemicals to be produced by that source (lost love), but it’s no longer there. There is a massive drop in your neurotransmitters – dopamine and oxytocin, and hence your serotonin and GABA (Gamma-aminobutyric acid). It is when you feel the way you feel, miserable, sad, demotivated, unworthy, and become a victim of a chemical thing!

What is the way out? It’s not easy, of course. You cannot hop, skip and jump over your feelings. There are going to be emotions that you have to face, but there is a way out. How?

You need to quickly build new sources of dopamine and oxytocin. You need to override the old neural circuits with new ones that you create through action. Drugs and alcohol may seem like the easy way out, but it’s clear to anyone that those are the wrong neural circuits. They are destructive and addictive. What you want to build are constructive neural circuits.

Breakup, Lost Love, or Grief Pushing You Into Despair? It’s Not Your Fault, But a Chemical Thing!
What neural circuits are you building? Photo Credits: Freepik/

How do you build new neural circuits?

You start meeting new people, spend time with loved ones, family, and friends, start to chase a hobby or passion, or get a pet (provided you can take care of it) which stimulates dopamine. All of these constructive actions will help you build new neural circuits that override the old ones which were addicted to those simulations. You form new ones through the right actions you choose.

You may need help or counseling. Whatever it is, get it. But as you build new circuits, the old ones fade away and your new sources provide you with dopamine and oxytocin, the chemicals your brain needs to move you to a state of happiness and joy.

Breakup, Lost Love, or Grief Pushing You Into Despair It’s Not Your Fault, But a Chemical Thing!
Are you overriding old patterns with new ones? Photo Credits: Freepik/@javi_indy

If you keep focusing on the old neural patterns through your thoughts like “Why me? Am I that bad?” or are constantly obsessing over lost love, you keep those circuits alive but devoid of dopamine and oxytocin. That’s why it makes you feel worse. Override them by creating new circuits through new actions.

It may be difficult, but not impossible. You have no choice. It is the only way to move forward. You can always also have faith in the power of prayer and pray for help to get you through bad times but just doing that won’t be enough. You must override through action.

Under stimulation or overstimulation of dopamine and oxytocin drives us to chase new sources and choose the right ones. How fast you remove yourself from the victim mode and move to action is the key to your recovery, getting out of most depression and sadness, and creating the extraordinary life you deserve. Do this well.

Thank you, Dr. Bruce Lipton, for many of these learnings. I look forward to sharing the stage with you soon at the SOUL – Wellness Festival by Soneva in September 2023.

– Luke Coutinho


Struggling with a tough time in your life? Need personalized guidance to set and achieve your life goals? We help you find a way. 

Consult our Holistic Life Coaches today. 

Set up a one-on-one call with them by reaching out to us on 1800 102 2053 or WhatsApp, or write to us at


How To Cure Burnout?

How To Run Your Day Like A Boss

Dealing With the Loss of a Loved One: A Message on Grieving, Hope, and Living From a Real Experience in My Life

Can Yoga Positively Rewire Your Brain?




From a pimple to cancer, our You Care Wellness Program helps you find a way

Talk to our integrative team of experts today 


Share this post

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to All Articles