5 Signs You Are a People Pleaser and How To Change It
people-pleaser (ˈpē-pəl-ˈplē-zər)
(definition): a people pleaser is a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires
Are you a people pleaser? Not sure? Let’s find out.
Here are five signs that you may be a people pleaser:
1. You find it difficult to say no when others make requests or demands of their time, energy, or resources. You prioritize meeting others’ expectations over your own needs and end up overcommitting or feeling overwhelmed.
2. You constantly find yourself needing external validation and approval as a way to boost your self-esteem. You may excessively seek praise and constantly worry about what others think of them, basing your self-worth on external opinions.
3. You avoid conflict at all costs, often sacrificing your own desires or opinions to maintain harmony in relationships. You suppress your true feelings and opinions, fearing that expressing them might upset or disappoint others.
4. You put everyone else’s needs before your own and constantly accommodate the preferences of those around you, even at the expense of your own well-being.
5. You feel responsible for the happiness and emotions of those around you. You feel a strong need to fix problems, make others happy, and avoid disappointing or upsetting anyone. This can result in excessive self-sacrifice and a lack of boundaries.
Do you exhibit people-pleasing tendencies? It is not too late to change. I say this with my own life experience. Don’t trust me? Let me tell you a little story.
How I overcame my own people pleasing tendencies
When I started my career in Integrative and Lifestyle Medicine, I felt like a people pleaser to establish myself in a field that was unheard of. My career before that was in MNCs for several years, where you just followed the instructions and rules and worked towards your set KRAs. As I took the plunge and decided to move on and follow my passion, I found myself behaving as a people pleaser – just to fit in, just to be accepted, not me, but my area of work.
I would spend hours and days going out of my way to prove myself. I didn’t charge for my work or worth. I would give out free programs. I went over and above to get people to like my work and to make them understand how lifestyle could help people prevent, recover, and manage their disease. No one cared for or believed in the massive potential of it.
The more I was people-pleasing, the more unfulfilled and unhappy I felt. I was receiving fabulous results with my patients, business was good and steadily growing. Yet I felt empty from within. I knew my path, philosophy, and action plan around lifestyle and immunity were right. I moved from getting barely three to four emails a day to a hundred plus. I had calls coming in through our toll-free number 1800 102 0253. I was flying across Europe, the United States, and the Middle East to consult with patients. But the feeling of not being fulfilled continued.
The quote that changed my life
It was then that I happened to rewatch my favorite movie, Coach Carter. It had a beautiful quote that made me reflect, meditate and change my life. It brought not joy, but bliss into my life. I am sharing that quote here. I hope it changes your life like it changed mine.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
– Marianne Williamson
It was a wake-up call. I understood why I was in a people pleaser mode. I didn’t respect my self-worth. I had every bit of data to know that lifestyle medicine was working. I just didn’t live up to that. I shrunk myself to fit in. I changed my friend circle because they clearly couldn’t be happy with my success. I would need to shrink to fit in and be accepted. I would underplay my success, would come down to a below-average level just to fit in and be accepted at a benchmark of under average. And then this quote changed my mind pattern, belief system, and what a change it was.
Along the way, I also realized one of the most important lessons was learning to say no, respectfully.
Why is learning to say no important for your health?
Most people overeat, skip workouts, cannot sleep well at night, and have poor emotional health because of what they go through during a given day.
We often create our own stress. How? By taking on more on our plate simply because we cannot say no. We become people pleasers who think their self-worth will rise if they keep pleasing others. But we only end up feeling victimized and constantly taken advantage of. We feel like we have become doormats and that people around us take us for granted.
It makes us sad and stressed. Our cortisol, adrenaline, and estrogen levels rise, and testosterone falls. We try to replace our emotional voids by stress eating, overeating, and overdoing sugar and refined carbs to feel better. We start feeling sluggish and lethargic. Unable to work out, and sleep right, with our minds cluttered with the same limiting thoughts. We have poor emotional health because we don’t feel we are living our truth and being controlled in relationships. Once our emotional wellness falls, our immunity does too. Inflammation goes up, and the vicious cycle never ends. It is why learning to say no is extremely necessary for your health.
Why do most of us struggle to say no?
While some people can say no easily, many find it very difficult. For instance, kids. Have you ever realized how easy it is for children to say no until a particular age? It is because they don’t have the fear of rejection. It is only when they grow up a little and adults condition them to believe that saying no is rude that they start hesitating.
If you are someone who finds it difficult to say no, it could find its root in your childhood, upbringing, and the societal pressure to say yes all the time. Most of us were not allowed to express our emotions but it’s never too late to change.
Let’s take a situational test, shall we?
Imagine this. A person walks up to you. They say, “I want you to do this. In your heart, you know you don’t want to do it.” What is your response?
You have three choices.
Choice #1
You say yes because you don’t want to appear to be rude or hurt their feelings. But after you agree, you end up feeling miserable and victimized. “Why do they always ask me to do it? Why do I always end up doing it?”
Choice #2
You have the choice to say no. You may feel a little low at first. But your self-esteem goes up because you said no and no longer feel the burden of having to do something you did not want to in the first place.
Choice #3
You say no respectfully and stop caring. You claim your self-esteem. You have arrived.
Let’s analyze why you feel bad when you say no.
More often than not, it stems from our fear of rejection. Every human being feels the fear of rejection. We automatically start equating saying no to hurting someone. We think it will make the other person feel rejected, disappointed, sad, and angry. Or they may reject us and start perceiving us as unkind and rude. At most times, these are all our thoughts and fears. It doesn’t have to happen that way.
Our constant fear of rejection keeps us from evolving in life. It is a sure-shot way of self-sabotage. The fear of rejection doesn’t allow us to get out of relationships, jobs, and situations that do not work for us. It does not allow us to move out of victim mode and seek what is good for our growth.
How do we learn to say no? A step-by-step guide
The first step is super simple.
JUST SAY NO.
- Do not beat around the bush.
- Don’t use aggression.
- Say no assertively and kindly.
A simple way to do this is, “I am sorry. As much as I would like to help you, I cannot take this on right now.”
You don’t need to give any excuses or justification or seek validation. Don’t be egoistic or prideful. Just be assertive, kind, and courteous.
People will ask you to do things for them. Some may use tactics and manipulation to make you feel bad if you don’t say yes. Someone may dangle a promotion as carrots and baits for you to take. They will say, you won’t grow in your life or career if you keep saying no. Be mindful, alert, and steer clear of these people. Say no with assertiveness and courteousness without making excuses or going in circles.
Set your boundaries.
It doesn’t matter if you are a kid, teenager, adult, or a senior citizen, set your boundaries. If you have not set boundaries for your family, relationships, friends, or workplace, your life will have chaos. Setting boundaries is not disrespectful, it can be done respectfully. It brings more self-respect. If you don’t draw your boundaries you become the doormat, it’s no one’s fault but yours.
People cannot assume what your boundaries are. If you do not express them clearly, people start crossing your boundaries. It will mostly be your fault. If you have expressed your boundaries respectfully, people will think twice before trying to manipulate or use tactics on you. Draw your boundaries.
Be firm in your decision.
If someone walks up to me and says, “Luke, I need you to see 30 patients today, or I need you to fly to five cities in five days.” I’ll say, “I can see 30 patients over the next five days because that’s the only way it can work. I can fly to five cities, but it’s going to happen over the next month because that’s what I can do and be effective.”
Instead of saying no directly, I put it back on them. If you do not want to say no directly, put your point of view forward. Do it if you need to but on your terms and your conditions.
It may not always work in a work environment, but there is no harm trying. If you cannot deliver something urgently, say, “I cannot do it in 24 hours. But I can do it over the next three days because I want to be effective and deliver quality work.”
When you do this, people don’t step on you. If you are in an abusive work environment where you constantly feel threatened, you can choose to either be stuck or get out. Every human being has a choice or an excuse. It is up to you to make that choice.
Don’t apologize profusely or make excuses after saying no.
The least you can do is say, “I can’t be this person you want me to be right now because I have enough on my plate.” Don’t make excuses like, “If I was free, I would have done this for you. If I had more tools, I would have done this.” Keep your self-respect and self-worth up.
Remember that your self-worth does not depend on what you do for other people. Many people pleasers go on doing more, trying to please people, sucking up to them, and thinking that their self-worth will rise. It backfires because one day you realize you can’t do that anymore. You are not getting anything back from this. The day you stop pleasing people, everyone sits on your head and says, “You used to be this good person but now you have changed.” You allow judgment to come into your life.
Don’t lie.
If someone calls you for dinner and you don’t want to go, say you are not up for it. Don’t lie and make excuses about being sick or having prior engagements because your self-esteem comes right down there and then. Why? You are still trying to look for validation through your lie.
The day you learn to overcome your fears by saying no is the day you will feel in control and empowered. Learning to say no the right way is one of the best ways to boost your self-esteem and feel free.
You can never feel true freedom if you are constantly saying yes.
- Saying no does not mean that you are a bad person.
- Saying no does not mean that you are selfish or unkind
- Saying no respectfully means you know your value, worth, and self-esteem.
Many people are trapped in guilt and their fear of rejection. They think people will like them more if they act how others want them to act or say the things people want to hear. Let me tell you it never works. That’s when you allow manipulation, tactics, power play in relationships, and the loss of your self-esteem. You are not a superhero. You are only human. There will be times when you cannot do everything. Just learn to say no.
5 tips to help you deal with people pleasing and stop being a people pleaser:
1. Practice self-awareness. Become aware of your own thoughts, feelings, and needs. Reflect on why you engage in people-pleasing behavior and how it affects you. Recognize the patterns and triggers that lead you to prioritize others’ needs over your own.
2. Establish clear boundaries in your relationships and learn to communicate them effectively. Practice assertiveness in expressing your thoughts, opinions, and limitations respectfully.
3. Make self-care a priority in your life. Identify activities and practices that bring you joy, relaxation, and rejuvenation. Engage in regular exercise, get enough sleep, eat nourishing food, and engage in hobbies or activities that help you recharge. Taking care of yourself allows you to be more balanced and better equipped to meet your own needs.
4. Challenge negative beliefs that contribute to your behavior, such as the need for external validation or the fear of rejection. Replace them with more empowering ones. Remind yourself that your worth does not depend on others’ approval and that it is healthy to prioritize your own needs.
5. Practice self-compassion. Be kind and gentle with yourself throughout the process of breaking free from people-pleasing habits. Recognize that change takes time and effort. Treat yourself with the same understanding and compassion that you would extend to a close friend. Celebrate small victories and be patient with yourself as you learn to prioritize your own well-being.
The bottom line
We need to be proud but not arrogant, assertive but not submissive, and emotional but not emotionally weak. Mistakes are real and every human will make them. And people will use them against you to bring you down. Our strength is in staying on the path we are put on and moving on without being pulled from side to side or under. The only way is forward and all this starts with our mindsets and knowing our self-worth and stop being people pleasers.
People cannot define us. We need to define ourselves, decide our self-worth, keep our happiness independent of circumstances, overcome our fears, and allow our light to shine bright. The question is: Are you willing to do this?
Struggling with low self-esteem, self-confidence and tired of being a people pleaser? Get coached on being the best version of yourself. Set up your one-on-one consult with our holistic life coaches. Write to us at consults@lukecoutinho.com.
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